But that's not the point. That's not what you are suppose to tell yourself. The 'keeping yourself busy' can only last until you try to crawl into your bed and past out from exhaustion of the day, because all you were trying to do was get your mind off of him. That is the healthy way, the right way. And for those few minutes that you laying in your bed with your head underneath the pillow, he is there. Or if you are already asleep and you think you got away safely, he is there in your dreams making up for lost time during the day.

This break up is not foreign to me; I'm not suprised. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt, it means I don't hurt as much because I know how to deal with the pain. I hope to God I will never fall back in the trap of his arms ...or his words. Those three words that could always break and shake me.

I've been rereading my diary. And all of it is the same. I've filled countless entries on just him. And when you really think about it, this diary is the basic retelling, the account, of me falling in love, being in love, and still being in love with him.

Even when I tried to fill my mind and bed with others I always brought myself back to him. The thing is that I wanted to. I always waited for him to come back or for the right timing for me to call. The thing is now, do I want to?

This has to be the end. How much can a girl possibly take? You never realize how resilient your heart can be. How when you think you're knocked down, you always find a way to stand up. Pick up your own pieces.

I know he still loves me.

I know because of experience. I know because he can't turn me off with pretending. I know because we've done this before. And he always comes back because I am his first, his stability. And that is very important.

I know when he tells me that he doesn't ...that he does. But the point is you are not suppose to believe that he does. You are suppose to believe that he doesn't. You torture yourself when you sit there and know, and convince yourself that he is coming back.

The truth is: He might or he might not.

And you are not suppose to bank your life on a 'what if.' That will get you know where fast.

What you learn is how great love is and how painful it can be. You've read it in books and seen it in movies. But now you just get it.

You understand.

You join the club. You stay a few nights at the heartbreak hotel. You write a few inspiring songs or poems or entries. You become bitter. You pick up a new hobby. Learn to be better. And finally it's over ...and then they come back.

And you have a choice.

Yes or no? Simple as that.

You be the judge. You know your heart better than anyone else. Trust your first instinct. If you are still bitter you are going to be bitter 'till the end. And trust me, they are not going to change for you. If there is a change it is for their benefit, not yours. It is a risk that you must be willing to take. Because at any time, there is a possiblity they will change back ...or maybe they won't.

I know he still loves me

...but that's not the point.

Anymore.