University
It's sometime during the afternoon and it still feels like morning. I woke up quite early because Scott called and he was coming home from Corey's 19th birthday party. It was a kegger and I'm suppose to not be jealous. So I wasn't.
I went to my first FRAT party with a group of girls that aren't friends, but acquaintances. I went by myself and I didn't bring anyone that I really knew. I was nervous so I pregamed before, because people think I'm always confident. But, I'm not. I falter sometimes. People make me nervous without me knowing it and somehow the next day I might just be a little less happy than I usually am, because they made me feel insignicant just by not talking to me. And I'm not suprised or impressed or anything of the sort. I knew that going to this frat party with a girl that I hardly knew, and she hardly knew the girls that she was going with, that I would feel out of place. That I spent most of my time sitting on a couch being unfriendly.
And that is so not me. Because I am friendly. And I have many friends. And they are perfect in every aspect of a friend. And people love me because I am told. Because I am easy to talk to. Because I more than what you see walking down the hall.
This University is not me. And it never will be. And the point is maybe I'd like if I were 21 and older. But there is no social scene for an 18 year old in college in a large city. Because I don't have a fake. And everyone is too urban and thugged out for me to handle.
I miss Kansas; there's no place like home.
And when I say home. It's not really my home. Just my hometown. Just what I'm use to --- socially. My environment. Truthfully, Home is where my family is --- they're not in Kansas anymore. I am wherever they are. They are my world. And I could be happy anywhere where they are. And so I am happy.
But I am without Scott up here. And it's miles again between us just like during Junior year. But, I think we can handle it this time. Because it's been three years offically on September 2, 2005. And he is perfect. And we talk. And I miss his touch. And his real voice instead of an electronic muffle sound to it.
I just don't want to grow up. And this place is not for me. But I'll grit my teeth and bit my lip and make it work. Because it's only four years --- and I'm probably going to transfer anyway.
I'm just in a weird mood again. The kind of weird mood that makes me introverted and the quiet kind of sad.
I just want to go back to High School --- they were the best years of my life.