Ready For More
Here I am again. Writing away when I should be studying for my first Calculus Test tomorrow. My last two quiz grades were poor; therefore, the reason why I'm sitting here writing an entry instead of throwing my noose in a book is beyond me.
I've been thinking a lot lately. And yes, that is an important comment because for a long period of time I haven't let myself get lost in my thoughts. I'm not who I use to be. I'm not the same girl that use to sob over trivialities. I think I am more of a woman than I've ever been before, more mature. Not so much a sage --- but wiser than the superficial wisdom of a child that based all of its theories on a selfish outlook. I'm learning to take everything all in.
I think I've been through all of the growing pains that it took to leave the teenage era. I went through a spiral of clinical depression during 8th grade and for the life of me, I can't understand why I even went through it in the first place. I'm trying my hardest to recall what it was that made me feel permanently resided in the doldrums. But to tell you the truth, I don't think it matters. I don't want to concentrate on what made me sad - not for fear of falling back into a depression - but for the simple fact that I don't want to concentrate on anything negative. What's happened has happened and I've made it, lived through it, and I'm here right now as happy as ever.
In all honesty, I blame it on hormones and I just leave it as that. It was just a time in my life that I let my hormones take the better of me. I let the physical and mental changes in my life at such a young age affect me negatively. But, now I'm happier and wiser. And what I'll take with me for that year is humility and compassion. I hope I don't forget what it's like to be a kid or a teenager when I have some myself. I hope my memory is good enough to serve me adequately. Hopes such as this makes me even gladder that I kept a record of a lot of teenage years here --- in this Diary and Ndslotsse. If ever I forget because I lose myself in my adult-like ways I hope I can ground myself to see eye to eye to my own children with these words as a reminder.
I even went through the stage that I thought I was the shit. And when I say the shit, it's slang, for the best. It was the latter part of my teenage growing years, where I lost all modest and humility. It was the era of foolishness and immediate gratification. Hormones on overdrive. I wanted it --- so I would take it. It didn't matter what it cost --- whether money or the feelings of others. I felt like I was on top of the world because I thought that I knew everything. I was invincible, and I still am but in a different way. I'm aware in a quiet subtle way how great I am but I believe that there is no need for flashy signs expressing my greatness. It just shows without me verbalizing --- just by the way I am --- my stride, my movements, the tone of my speech, the expression in my face, and the brightness in my eyes.
And here I am now --- wiser because I've been through all those growinging pains. But I am thristy for more. I know that I dont' know everything but I sure do want to try. I want to learn everything that I possibly can and fill myself with meaning because of the knowledge and the wisdom that I hold. In a sense, I'm a child again --- about 6 years old. The one that asks all the questions is curious about life. I acknowledge there is pain in this world and all though I'm not the panacea to all of this pain --- I do want to try.
Why is the sky blue? And Why do birds fly?
I want to know.
I'm ready for more.