Brilliant
Sometimes you wonder if you’re adequate. Even after all the incantations and the mantras of positive thought. You sometime get days that take you down a little. And it’s hard. Sometimes it’s hard not to succumb to a feeling of inadequacy. Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you had a moment of human fallacy. That at some points in your life, even if it were just a second, you failed to be perfect. And that’s okay. As long as you pick yourself right back up. And you get yourself moving the right direction. The worse thing to do is to revel in a negative state. A moment of it is just as healthy as thinking positive thoughts all the time.
Sometimes, I’m jealous of people who are smarter than me. It has less to do with people that are prettier than me. Although, I am guilty of staring longingly at the VS catalog and wishing I had thighs like Gisele Bundchen. But, that’s not the point. What I want the most in this world is brilliance. I think that one world would incorporate all the things that I want to be, without listing a plethora of adjectives.
I wish I were more sometimes. I wish I didn’t falter at all. But I guess that’s just human fallacy. I mean all the training in the world in positive thoughts can’t take away all the bad thoughts. It’s inevitable. Biologically there is a part of your brain that probably stimulates a chemical that initiates negative feelings.
I wish I were perfect and that I didn’t make mistakes. Because mistakes are just regretful and bad and gross and nasty and I don’t want to be around it at all.
I wish I were more. I wish to God I were more than what I am right now. Why can’t I be more? Why can’t I be perfect? I want to be inspirational.
I just want more.
I feel like the fucking little mermaid; she was never satisfied. And If I reach land and become human – will I find my happily ever after?
Sometimes, I think I’m made for this sort of speech instead of fucking pursuing a difficult career in science and mathematics. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. And suddenly, I’m transformed into a little blue train that could.
But honestly, I just want to be me. Not a mermaid or a little blue train. I want to be May Miguel and brilliant.