My friends can never tell when I'm feeling like shit. At least the ones that I live with here. The ones that I see everday. The ones that I share my apartment with. The only friends that I really see or talk to anymore. So, basically the only ones that count.

And I guess, I don't care if they don't. I'm being silly by wondering why they can't tell when I'm a little bit upset? I can always tell when they are and then I cheer them up and then things are better - or at least their laughing. And laughing is half of being happy.

So, why don't they notice or care?

And why do I really care this much? 'Cause most of the time, I don't. Most of the time - I don't mind. Most of the time, I'd rather them not know. But, I guess when it gets really lonely. I guess when I feel really crappy and down but not too-too down. But, down enough. That they would notice and say something.

I guess I wish I just had a Carrie, Samantha, and a Charlotte. I think I identify most with Miranda. She makes the most sense to me and I like her character her a lot. And, I know that everyone things that she's the 'ugly' one; I don't. But, she's smart, witty, and ambitious. And that's exactly who I am.

If I did have a circle of friends; I would totally be Miranda. Just with a name that fits me better - like Eve.

Like Adam and Eve 'cept I won't be dependent on a man or eat too many apples or be seduced by a snake. A one-eyed snake.

I hope I'm not saying anything blasphemous. 'Cause I don't mean to be if I am.

I am happy. So, why do I feel like shit? Maybe I'm just getting my period. I'm crying over everything lately. I must've cried at least four times today. Not the bawling kind. The kind where a few hot tears roll downs yours face and you don't make those pathetic sounds - just pathetic eyes. And you look stupid in the mirror with black tears. And then, you just roll your eyes at your tears because they're so damn annoying.

I'm not sad.

I just like life gets so big sometimes I don't feel like I can handle it. Sometimes, I feel too small and the worlds too big. I feel like an oxymoron.

Bittersweet.

I just get worried about becoming the best I can be. I just get worried about my life. I just get worried.

And I'm trying to think about other things. And I really should finish reading about Mass Spectroscopy because finals are still three weeks away. And that's enough time to procastinate, but not study.

And I really should.

But, I can't focus in on the words. And the bold headings of each section blurs together and I forget that I should know about which atoms show up on the Spectrum.

And I promise I'm not sad. I'm very happy.

I just feel really old. Like, this is the time to grow up and stop playing stupid and kiddish and make real decisions.

I ABSOLUTELY want to become a doctor.
And I am going to do whatever it takes.
And no one is going to stop me.
And fuck everyone else who thinks I can't.

Because all that matters is that I can.

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