I have to write about this or I'll explode. Or die. And vanish. Just anything traumatic that will break me and take me.

No one else is going to read this but me. No one cares about this but me. But oh my God, does it mean the world.

And where did I go wrong? And this hangover is killing me. And my stomach hurts I feel like throwing up. And for two reasons. The alcohol and then the other.

Will anyone else read this but me?

I don't even want to say it. I don't want it made tangible. The biggest mistake of my life. The one thing I'll regret forever.

And what do I do?

And thinsg are just crowding me. And making me want to cry and throw up and be gross and not handle this world anymore.

That bad.

I don't want to say it. I just want to be able to tell someone or something. And in that teenage angst thing that I was so good at years ago. I'm writing in this diary because it is the only one I trust right now.

I can't trust anything that breathes oxygen. Incriminating. Disgusting. Shameful.

I hate myself.

And I can't even look at his pictures or I'll just pass out from a broken heart. And the world is getting dizzy. And these five+ years means the world to me.

And I'm confused too.

Just so very confused. Who do I come to?

Where do I go?

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I know I'm rambling. I have to. I've been yelling all morning to myself as I rolled around under my covers. The kind where you have flash backs that make you want to cringe and scream and shake your head.

That's what I've been doing all morning.

I can't say it. Don't make me say it.

I hate myself right now.

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