Life is so much easier when you pretend that it's not happening. Or when when you close your eyes and your just awake with your eyes closed - and that's enough to make it go away. as long as you don't have to look in the mirror.

and i have a lighter and no cigarettes. and love handles that won't go away. and wrinkles at the age 20. and a permanent feeling of tiredness.

and my room looks like shit. i've been living like a man, my apartment looks like it belongs to 20 frat boys. i have dishes that haven't been washed in over a week. my floor is littered with my clothes. and i sleep ontop of the crinkled bags of junkfood and i go to sleep with the happy feet on in dim glow.

and this is my life.

and i'm just nervous for no reason. and i hate it when i get like this. and i never even know that i'm like this until i start typing. because then shit comes out of my fingers that i didn't even realize that i was thinking about or even felt.

and life just seems funny. because the person that types this shit in this oldass block of white is not the same person you'd meet on the el or in a grocery store.

and i'm not sure if what i type is honestly how i feel. or a fabrication to make me sound like i more going on in life than i really do. as in my life is boring as shit. so i type about ADULT angst and pretend that i'm deep or profound and that i'm trying to find myself in this fast-paced modern world.

when i'm not.

i'm not trying to find myself. i'm not trying to do much of anything but what i'm doing. and i don't even know what that is exactly.

i need to step up my A game.

i feel like i'm being stupid again. and you know i hate that. i just want things to go perfectly well without me trying. without me busting my ass off to be happy. i just want to be happy.

and something really don't change. and all of a sudden i have astigmatism and my corneas don't refract the right amount of light and it scatters it in a billion places so my vision is blurry. and i never know when i'm going to see clearly. and these new prada glasses aren't enough to pretend that i can see past the bridge of my nose. because honestly my vision is framed in black and sits too close to my face.

and i'm blabbering on and on again.

catch me when i'm in a different mood.
bye.

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