it's late. but not really because daily savings time took away my hour. and now i have less time to do the things that i need to. and i feel gypped. cheated in some way.

give me back my fucking hour.

and it's just an hour. but, time matters all the time. to everyone. and my mom taught me that everyone has the same amount of time, so it's bullshit to say that you don't have time to do things.

because you do have all the time in the world.

except when spring comes rolling around and decides to take back what it gave to you during fall. what an indian giver.

give me back my fucking hour.

and maybe i'm not that upset, but i am a little. because i have things i have planned to do. i have planned my life down to the very last minute, and when a stupid law decides to take away the precious time i do have, i feel pressured.

like i have to type a billion words per minute because i didn't pencil in this whimsical decision to revisit diaryland.

and it's changed. into black. just like me. like the way i have changed.

and they chose black because its the color that emos love. it's the color of teenage angst. it's the color that adolescents smear on their eyes, and dress up in clothes, and fill in their tatoos, in rebellion to their parents and peer pressure and their prefrontal cortex being underdeveloped.

and time changes. and you have pain that is different back then. a different adult pain. and you have no idea what the fuck your saying because your not allowed to feel this way when your 20. when your too old to use the excuse of an underdeveloped frontal cortex and that you eat in the bathroom during lunch period. and your wayyyy too young to say that you hit the plateau of monotony.

just you wait. life doesn't even begin until 40. right? and now, as the older we get. and the baby boomers are wrinkled with white hair, gen X and Y are turning into materialistic bulimics that made the 30s the new 20s, and the 40s the new 30s, and so on. and now you're just old. and you have to wait until 50 for your life to begin.

and, you're sometimes like damn i'm just ready to die.

or live.

but, if you have dreams of the way you want to live. and you live the life you love. and love the life you live. and things are just complicated because it's just not that easy to be THAT happy all the time. no matter how hard you try.

so try harder. like the mother teresa quote "i found the paradox if i love until it hurts, then there is no more pain, but only more love." then just replace love with whatever it is that suits your flavor of pain or hope of the week. and now you have a new mantra to repeat under your breath when your driving in your car in the rain and things start to get complicated again.

and then, you can be 20. and trying so hard to be a good person. and somehow failing to do so. and yet you truck on. you get knocked down. but, bygod - you get the fuck up. and you keep on keepin' on. 'cause there's no time to be knocked down when spring steals your fucking hour.

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