I should be studying my thermochemistry because I have a test tomorrow and I might end up with a B in the class and that makes my head spin and my stomach hurt. And then I feel guilty and ashamed. And I'm just trying not to sound as overdramatic. Too late.

And all I can think about are his hazel eyes. And I've replaced repeating the first law of thermodynamics with a script I'm going to brilliantly act when I see him again.

And it's okay that you've changed. And I'm sorry that it had to happen this way. And this isn't all of your fault. And some of it is mine too somehow. And that I'm not the victim. And that somehow things got so bad that you felt this was the only to handle it. And I'm sorry. After six years, I feel like shit because I pushed you so far that you had to do it this way.

And I'm just sorry.

And this isn't about trying to get you back.
This isn't some pathetic plea to win you over.
I just want you to know that I am sorry.

I am sorry.

And that if I could say anything right now to save you. I would. I would do it in a heartbeat because you were my savior on a white stallion and I could be yours if you let me.

And that I'm sorry. Just so sorry that things happened this way. And that when you said you were having a hard time I didn't listen. And now your gone and I'm trying not to believe that this is might be the worse regret of my life.

But maybe this is the way it has to be. Maybe this is the best way. Maybe six years of bliss is all that I can hope for from you anymore. And that I need to know when it is dead.

Except I'm so bad at it because after all this time I've never been good with goodbyes. After all this time, the one thing I couldn't let go of was you.

And I'm trying to be stronger than the kid who first started this journal. I'm trying to be so much more.

So here I am. So much more.
Letting go because I love you so much.
Because you need to find yourself.
And I need to let you.

And I love you so much.

And honest to God, I just want you to be happy.

Truly happy even if its not with me.

And not just some stupid movie line quote that make people go 'aww.' 'Cause baby, this is for real. This is the real deal. This is as good as it's going to get. We are the archetypical relationship. We are the movie. We are the happily ever after.

...someday.

So, I'm not going to beg you to return to me. I'm going to wait patiently for you to remember because I know you will.

And this isn't denial. As much as you may think it is. But, six years have taught me that we can get through anything ...even this.

And this is just a blip on our happily ever after and I can live with that because imperfection is beautiful.

And that I know even if you don't return to me tomorrow, or this year, or in years ... that you will remember at some point in your life even if you're married to someone else...

...that I was the only woman you ever truly loved.

And that's not conciet. It's the truth. I know because I know you. I know because I feel the same way too. I know because six years has taught me that you and I are not ordinary.

Six years has taught me that I know you as well as I know myself. Because we never made a gargantuan decision without consulting each other. Because when the times got rough you were the first person I called. And when things got better you were the first person I called.

And I know all 34 freckles sprinkled on your body. And the goofy smile you make when your extremely happy. And the way you talk out of the side of your mouth because you hate your teeth even though I love them. And I can state the size of all three of the scars on your face down to the last millimeter. And I can tell the differences in your hellos and the differences in your goodbyes.

Which is the reason why going through this is okay. Because you don't mean goodbye and neither do I.

I love you so much, Scott, that going through this pain is worth it if you are happy.

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