There are good and bad days. There are days that make me so sad my stomach hurts and I can't see past the curves of my cheeks because my face is permanently glued to the floor.

And then, some days I forget that we aren't broken up. And that today is just another day. And that things are okay and great and wonderful.

And I made out with a boy last night that wasn't him.

And I think I'm okay with it because I thought I was kissing him the entire time. This boy kissed like the way Mr. Hazel eyes did. And for the moment the intoxication of the alcohol and the deafening music was enough to take me past my inhibitions and make out with a boy that has hazel eyes that dilate when I smile.

And it's over.

I'm trying to understand that.

And I don't know what I plan on saying when I go back down to Kansas to see him. I don't even know how I am planning to go on about it.

Except that I think about it all the time.

And I'm going in circles with what would happen, but I'm not psychic so I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

And I just need to be okay immediately.

I just need this to go away.

And maybe I'll make out. JUST MAKEOUT. with a bunch of different boys, so that I'll feel better.

Lame.

I hate that solution. But, it worked last night except I only thought about him. Lame. Lame. Lame.

I wish this guy's manner of kissing wasn't so similar to the way Scott would kiss me.

And maybe it's not. Maybe it is.

Maybe it's not and I just think about Scott when I kissed him and that's the reason why it felt similar. But, still unfamiliar.

And thats okay.

I have to move on.

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