Simple Man
I'm leaning back in my chair listening to the song that you would sing to me if you knew the words and if you still spoke to me.
Speak to me.
Let me hear you.
I'd use your breath as bandages for these wounds.
And my head hurts and I can't tell where the pounding headache originates from. I woke up at 5am. I didn't drink my coffee. I could be sick with a cold.
Or.
My mind is trying is trying to grasp the fact that its really over.
And honestly, it could be a combination of all of the above. And I hate to think about it. And I can't study. And that just pisses me off. I'm not suppose to be weak. I don't let things get to me. I'm a trooper. A fighter. A survivor.
And I'm just proud of myself for waking up at 5am to take a 6:12am train to the city so that I could watch rats being injected into their hypothalamus. And I would putt a hott bulb over their tails and their back paws to see if they would respond to the pain.
And they did. Every time.
Every reflex of pain was different, but without fail they moved their tails and paws out of the way. And all I could think about was how come I couldn't be that smart? Why couldn't I just completely remove my tail or my paws? And then, I'm thinking those fucking rats are cheaters because they under anesthesia. And there's no drug that could cure the deepening depression that my mind is constantly dragging me back to.
And as I sat there watching this rat with its head cut open with a needle inserted directly above its skull, I couldn't help but thinking this rat and I have a lot in fucking in common at the moment. The only difference is I'm not under anesthesia.
And then I get embarrassed and angry for moment with the thought I'd rather be around rats than humans. And I thought I was way past this angst bullshit. And I just want my head to stop hurting.
And. And. I keep listening to a song that brings me farther and farther from moving on. I wish he would remember this was how he felt. And this song brings me to the place that I'm scared to go to.