I start my first session for research tomorrow injecting rats and I'm just tired. Tired and scared for the future. I'm locked in this limbo because I'm scared to go on. Scared because I feel uncertain about so many things in my life. I feel like I try really hard again that I might lose another important thing in my life again.

Again.
Again.
Again.

There you are again. In my mind and my heart and I can't wait to get past this pain. But, sometimes I feel like masochist when I reread the letter that got us back together when we broke up after high school. And listening to a song that I know you would sing to me if you could.

And the letter.
The letter.
It begins:

This letter has been extremely overdue, and I hate to say it, but I don’t think I would have written it if one of my major flaws would not have been exposed. Pulled out of the eternal trash that is my trunk, I came across something that my eyes had not seen since the cold month of November. So here it is, short or long, the kairos letter that I had forgotten but nevertheless promised. I am selfish, so selfish. From the moment we first met I had never given love a thought. But that soon changed from our nightly conversations in which I discovered a challenge to say the least. I found a girl who on the outside was jaded and had a pretty pessimistic view on love. But I also found something in my life that I looked forward to, that made me ultimately happy.

My biggest weakness is not getting myself out there. You know that, I’m a shy kid. I guess I’m terrified of failing some things. Kind of ironic, seeing as how I don’t think there is one subject I didn’t fail at one point in my life. But that was because I never tried……I never tried, because if I tried and I failed then I was nothing. That was not something that I could take. You use to say I had the strength of superman. Well you were mistaking that strength for insecurity. I was afraid to fail as a boyfriend too. I never wanted to be the one who hurt. There’s no truthful combination of words that I can put together that could make me seem like a good person now. But I’m getting way ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning, much like your K-letter did.

Wednesday April 24th at around 7:30. That time where I heard our names in the same group, thinking, “May May, what a silly name.” That time changed my life forever. I remember thinking you were a bitch right off the bat because you went to Sion. I had no idea why I hated Sion at the time, much like your hatred of Rockhurst. You certainly captivated me though. When you didn’t write your screen name on my piece of paper, I was sure to glance at other sheets. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like that ruin my attempt at getting to know you. I remember our first IM conversation, and how you had to go finish some schoolwork, and your away message read something like, “doing homework, ill talk to you later scott.” Truthfully, that was when I was hooked. It took no more than that. I wanted nothing more than to talk to you for hours upon hours, and we did. I softened that heart of yours, and you showed me a thing or two as well. You’re very right though, sifting through our old memories is certainly hard on the heart.

Our first kiss was something that I’ll never forget. We looked straight at each other, and I gave you a close mouth kiss. Let’s just say after that, I wasn’t so afraid to kiss you. (no slobber dork!) I remember going outside the movie and holding you while you talked to your friends. All I could think about was…..wow, I’m on the moon right now. Love never got better than right then, or so I thought. Whether it was kissing at the movies on weekends or holding hands in the backseat while my parents drove us home, I was in paradise when I was with you. I was so blind all this time, you were right. It was more than just living, it was heaven on earth. Your beauty made me a better person, and I smiled more and more with each ensuing day.

You gave me way too much credit in your K-letter. I don’t know if you remember what you wrote, but you were too generous. But one thing you were dead set on was how confident I now am in our love. Well, maybe not our love. But my love to you will never waiver, will never sway in the wind. I will always be there for you, whenever you want to chat with an old friend, whenever you have problems with school, with figuring out what you want to do in life. Actually now that I think of it…..I can be superman. You are my double edged sword, my yellow sun and my kryptonite. That may be way too much Superman references, but deal with it babe.

I am such a hypocrite, saying that you and I are not on the same page. I have never ever in my life been on the same page as myself, as crazy as that sounds. My heart and mind never seem to see eye to eye. One might take control of the other, but they never seem to agree on anything. But when it comes to you, I’ve made up my mind, and my heart along with it. I love you. Those three words are all this letter is about. But I’ll finally explain it. In the past I never could, not because I didn’t feel it, but because I wanted so bad to put in a way that would move you. There’s that fear of failure again. Simply put, you make me feel like a thousand, nay a billion Christmases. You’re my happy rain cloud, my silly hopes, my blink 182 obsessed past. You’re what makes me happy. I know you don’t know about us baby…..but haven’t you ever loved something so much…..with so much passion….that you just can’t give it up. And if it all fell to pieces tomorrow I would still be yours.

I still pray for us, do you? You and Jacob seem to be the only topic of discussion with me and God though. I have let that relationship slip too, and that’s something I’m definitely getting back. I have so much to be thankful for, and hell, we met at confirmation class. You give my life direction May. I want to go through hell and back for you. If I have to give up every second of free time this year to study and get closer to you then that’s what I’m going to do. Not because it’s what I have to do, but because it’s what I want…..need. There’s only one test I seem to be passing these days. I wrote in my notebook at Kairos that my ultimate test in life was to be a loving husband to you. I still am following that path, even if that path led to a dark, twisted tunnel. But there you were, a candle in the dead of winter, showing me the way and keeping me warm. I remember the first time we woke up together, I swear I thought we were married. I swear I could have died right there and would have been the happiest man in the world.

You once said I was everything to you, your family, your best friend, and your lover. That’s why I cannot just settle for best friend. I know that I am so much more than that, and I know I can be that. I hope to God that you don’t just read over this one time and don’t take it to heart. I hope to God you will not dwell on what I did but what I do. I’m so very much in love with you May. This letter was not easy to write for me. Tears and sad feelings were definitely a constant. As for college…….I’m never going to meet another May May Miguel…….

Our love was comfortable and so broken in……….

“You have my heart engraved on your sleeve; it’s permanent; it’s not coming off; I’m in love with you.”

-Romeo…

P.S
Let them say we’re crazy
What do they know?
Put your arms around me, baby, don’t ever let go
Let the world around us fall apart
Baby, we can make it if we’re heart to heart…..(on the same page)

And that's how it ended. And every time I get this pang of hope that makes me bittersweetly sad and happy and smiling through tears. And there are things that are said here that are so much more than just words. That every word is filled with a hundred meanings and connected to a thousand inside jokes. And it means more to me than you could possibly understand.

And hoping.
And hating.
And hoping.
And hating.

Last Next