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I still think about you. Sometimes, I will look at the unending picture albums on my computer of you.
Just to test my threshold.
See how much I can take.
Sometimes, I listen to sad songs. I listen to the words really carefully and close my eyes. And pretend that it's the soundtrack to past memories of us.
Just to test my threshold.
See how much I can take.
And my heart is breaking still in a weird way. I know I still dream about him. I can't help it. He's there hiding under layers of busyness during the day. And when I finally have a moment to be still in my bed, the thought of you sneaks in and I can't help it. The bed feels so cold.
And I love you forever, Scott. And I'm trying not to. I don't test my threshold because I'm a masochist. I'm not one of those girls. I just want to make sure I can handle things like this. I know somewhere along the lines I'm going to come across a public situation where I might hear a song that makes me think of him or watch a commercial of the touch axe body wash that he wear or glance at a billboard of a man twirling a women in the air or watch the billions of pixar movies that he got me.
I just want to make sure that when I come across any of those things in public that I can have the will power to force back my tears. I just don't want anyone knowing how sad I am. I just feel like that's my own business and I'd rather not have people know.
I hate that I stll love him.
I'm scared to fall in love with someone else. Not the kind where you feel damaged because someone else is going to hurt you like the past ones did kind of thing. I'm talking about I'm just scared to be in love. Just plain scared beccause I don't know if I can love anyone else the way that I loved him. And I'm worried that I could meet a thousand great wonderful guys, and I won't be able to love them because X will still have my heart.
I'm worried.
That's it.
I know that fights and being hurt is bound to happen in any relationship. That's not what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to love anyone else the way that I love him.
I wish I knew what to do.