It's 6pm on a friday night and I have absolutely no plans. And I planned it that way.

I didn't want to go out. I'm going crazy with the amount of social interaction I'm engaging in. I can't do it. I know I'm trying to distract myself for any sort of quiet recoginition during the day that X and I are no longer to do.

And I hate to mention his name.

It breaks my heart to bring you up in polite conversation with others. They don't know you and me. They don't know us like we do.

And it breaks my heart to recount anything about us. And I'm testing my threshold again by listening to "Head over Heels" by April McClean and "We are One" by Kelly Sweet.

And I just feel dumb because those songs are so corny. And they make me feel like some sort of teenage sick love affair.

And I'm just trying to move on.

And I need to get a grip on myself or I might lose myself the more I stray from my goals to become a better person. I can't keep drinking. I know that's it disguised as a stereotypical college student social habit, but I think I'm using it to black out.

I blacked out last weekend a couple times. And as I was taking a cab back home to my apartment at one in the morning and forcing back the regurgitation that came springing up inside of my throat. I'm just glad that I didn't give a shit.

There's a boy. Another one. From freshmen year of college that I met. At the time, he was dating a girl from Senior year of high school and I was going on my fourth year with Scott. And me and this other boy talked a lot about relationships and we got along fabulously. And my best friend at college at the time totally thought we were getting together. I was devoted to Scott and he was devoted to his.

But, one night while we were drunk in slurred conversation expressed how if we weren't together with our other significant others that he and I would be together.

Because we have chemistry.

And after four years, we finally have a class together. Biology. Ecology & Evolution.

And I'm evolving.

This boy is still with his girlfriend and I'm glad that he is. I always wish happiness upon others. Good for them. But, he's cute and has a sweet smile.

And, this is a good crush for me to have.

Because I know him. And he knows me pretty well. And we have chemistry. And it's good that he as a girlfriend because my morals restrict any sort of action. And this is good, because I can't and don't want to get involved with anyone.

But a crush is good.

An innocent crush on a sweet and kind boy that will make me believe that it's easier to get over X. He makes me believe that I could date someone other than X. And this is a good step for me.

I feel better.

I need to date someone like this boy. He will be my new type. He will the kind of boy that I date next.

He just makes me believe that I'm going to be okay.

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