And I didn't know where else to go. And I feel stupid for feeling so sad. I have to get my period soon. I've been eating unlimited amounts of food without satiating my hunger. And I've been feel overtly overwhelmed over the most inute details of my life.

And I'm just crying. And my head had hurt to begin with.

And I just fouond one of his older 'birthday card' letters that he gave me... maybe last year. He signed it without dating it, so I'll never know.

And it's one of those really sad lovey one that makes you happy and sad at the same time, and it read:

When things are changing
all around us
and the world seems to move too fast.
don't forget i'll be right beside you,
loving you.
What i feel for you is deep,
total, and enduring---
a love you can count on
ever having to wonder.
So when you look ahead
to future changes or think about how the past used to be.
don't forget to look beside you,
because that's where you'll find me,
loving you with all my heart.

And scribbled on the inside of the card with his own writing, it reads:

"I'll always remember...

you are so very beautiful.

inside&out.

Happy Birthday!

Gobble,Gobble
Baby!!!

Love,
Scotty

And I didn't know you can a nonexistant heart.

I thought I threw all of his shit away... I did it so I could avoid times like this. And it's surprising that my headache went away after I cried. Now, I just feel tired.

I still wear the ring sometimes. Just to try it on. I found it while I was cleaning my room and it was just one thing I couldn't bear to part with, so I live it hidden in the very bottom of the white victorian jewelry box that my mom gave me.

And I found an old note that came with white lillies that he use to give me during valentine's day, and it read:

MAYMAY, TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE...PRETTY FLOWERS FOR A PRETTY GIRL?.....I JUST NEED TO KISS YOU. .....SOUL MEETS SOUL ON LOVER'S LIPS. JE VOUS AIME, SCOTTY PS. EEEP!!!!!!

And there were a billion inside jokes to that message. The song he use to sing to before i went to bed. The way he tried to say I love you in french, notice TRIED. and the little noises we use to make when we were cuddling.

And I feel so sad.
I need to lay down.

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