Going Out
I thought it was okay. I thought I was okay since I last realized that it was over ...two months ago. I heard from your own lips that it was over two months ago. And so, I forgot about it. And made myself so busy that every night I would crash just so I would be too tired to even think about you. And I was doing so well.
And the first round of midterms came and you called the friday morning the day of my last bio midterms at 8:30am in the morning. And I was in the living room hurrying to cram last bits of information of genetics before I had to go to microbio lab. And you called.
And I paused as I starred at my phone. The exact same way when you called over the summer for the first time after two months. And I paused and it felt surreal.
And I heard your voice after two months.
And why is it always two months? Why is it this sick patten of two months that always drags me back down?
And it didn't matter when you called that early. You just called to say hi and to see how I was doing. And I didn't feel anything. I just told you that I had to study. And so you let me go.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Good. (PAUSE) Do you need something?
No. Just wanted to say hi
Oh (PAUSE) Hi.
What are you doing?
Studying for genetics.
...Oh, that should be easy.
Yeah, a piece of cake.
Well, I guess I'll let you go to study.
Okay. (PAUSE) Bye.
Bye.
And that was it.
And I didn't feel shit.
And I took my test and went to class and came home and watched the episode of Heroes that I missed. And then went down to my friend's apartment to watch the Sex and City Movie.
And I felt like I was Carrie and you were Big.
And I came upstairs and hung out with my roommate as she got ready to go out. And as I sat on her bed. I started crying. And it came out of nowhere.
Just tears.
And lots of them.
And for no reason.
And without warning.
And I fell asleep later that night exhausted and confused because I had no idea why I was crying. And although I had a physics tests that coming up wednesday I went out all day because I didn't want to be alone studying in my room thinking about you.
And I went out that night. And a boy was took a candle to my hand and I had the strangest conversation of my life.
Have you ever been in love?
I gave him the most quizzical look I could muster; I was so shocked that I remained silent. SILENCE.
...I don't mean the I think I love this person. Oh, man I really like this person. I mean the head over heels kind of love. The truly deeply kind. The -inlove- love. The realest kind.
And I didn't know what to say. So, I spent the entire evening letting this guy continue to hit on me because he was my roommate cousin and I didn't want to be rude. And I let myself be engrossed conversation with a man that unwittingly tore at my insides.
And all I wanted to do was cry.