Can't
And I'm with someone new in a very irresponsible way, but it takes the edge of my loneliness, which is the reason why I let myself be so unlike myself.
And I can feel myself changing. The kind where you can feel it minute changes of your personality that crawl slowly like needle-pricks on your skin.
I'm different. In a very different way.
And it's not bad, and it's not good. It just is.
And I'm waiting for myself to catch up with myself. Or just catch myself. From falling. Because I can feel myself falling further and further down the rabbit hole. And I'm Alice chasing a white rabbit down a road that I'm too tired to travel.
And I just want to be okay now. And I think I'm better. But, when I think I am I notice that I'm not doing the things that I normally do. I'm not concentrating on studies, and I'm drinking a lot, and letting myself be distracted.
What happened to my focus?
And I'm losing my eyesight due to the pain of brokenheart. And I didn't know I could have such a literal physical reaction. I've been to doctor and recieved two prescriptions and it has improved.
Not a fabricated story.
And I still think about you all the time. I sit on my bed with my books surrounding every inch of my soft cotton bed and I stare at the thousands of pages that I should be reading, but all I do is stare at the blank screen of my phone. And all I want it to do is ring. And I have no idea how I could possibly believe that after all this time of silence ...why the fuck would you call?
And I miss the shit out of your hugs. And I just want your arms around me. And I really should stop talking about it because it hurts like a fucking bitch. And now, I'm pissed at myself for typing this entry because it kills me to relive this.
Bye.