It's almost 7am in the morning and I'm trying to cram the last bits of information that I need for my physics quiz, but honestly... there's no way I'm going to learn harmonic oscillatory bullshit within the next 30 minutes considering I just remembered I had a quiz at 10:30PM last evening. I just had a midterm last wednesday, so I'd like to say that I had a legitimate reason to forget... I mean cause c'mon... who gives quizzes after a major midterm?

Sigh.

And I'm just thank for my weekend. Thankful for my day. And thankful for spending the entire time with my sister, because she knows how to make the world better for me when I get weak. And it's so nice to be let go for a little while because it gets tiring to be this strong all the time.

And I'm just glad that she's doing better and that I'm proud of her. I'm proud of her because she's getting there. To the point where she wants to be. And I'm just so fucking proud.

And I'm glad that I got to go home because I don't have to strong all the time, and I can lean on her when things feel weighted.

And she removes the weight from my shoulders like a superhero, and I'm so damn grateful.

And I just need to be me again so bad. Right now. I'm going back to being me. Not some lost fucking puppy that continues to make mistakes that are so uncharacteristically morally wrong.

I just need to be me again.

And I think God for this weekend. I ended up talking to Jace. You remember him? No, maybe I mentioned in ndslotesse. But, he is a penpal that I have had for 9 years now. I met him when I was 12 online when the internet first got big and chat rooms were the shit. And, we've always kept a correspondance. We fell out of touch 4 years ago, and this weekend I was on AIM instead of drunk at a bar.

Hi.
Hi.
It's been so long.
What's going on?
Not a lot.

And somewhere along the conversation we were reminising because that's what you do when you haven't talked to a friend in four years. And he said,

For me personally at age 12, you had the most fucking amazing mind. You thought things, spoke things, that no one else I knew at the time could possibly comprehend.

And I took a moment and paused and thought to myself. I always did think I was the most profound at age 12. And this proves it.

Ha.
Ha.

He said I showed him and read him Emerson, and he fell in love with the words. And I felt elated that I could have touched someone at such a young age, 12.

And I felt like I need to go back to being me.
Right now. Right now. Right now.

I'm not done yet. I'm 21. And it's not a coincidence that these numbers are reverse orders of each other. This is my new year to shine.

It's only going to get better from here.

And I'm beginning to forgive you, Scott Matthew. I'm starting to heal. I got this on lock.

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