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Another boy broke my heart. As bad as the first one - but in his own way. And I'm trying to be okay. And I'm tired of writing this stupid shit down as if it would make me feel better. But, it use to before - and I'm desperate to try anything that would make this pain go away and stop making me feel like I'm crazy.
I am crazy.
I have pushed away every man that loves me and that I love. And it is my fault. And I need to change. But, I don't know how to start. And it's difficult. And I just wish it would be easy.
And that getting over a broken heart wouldn't take up so much damn time. And I'm not going to lie - it's like a knawing feeling in the back of my heart that - a constant drip of substance P IV into my veins.
And I just want to be normal again. Me again. And without all this fucked me May-ness. That makes it impossible to love me. I don't believe in love anymore. Not because it's not great. And not because I'm a pessimist. But, I think I have to --- let go it --- and not be obsessed with it as much --- because in reality, only movies and books make the couple who is so in love be normal. In real life, if you love someone like that and they don't love you back - you're fucked. And you become creepy. And weird. And obsessive. And that's totally what I am.
I don't know how to handle break ups.
I need a drug to sedate me from fairytales. I need to know that they aren't really real. And they are only really real with your soulmate. But, what are the odds when there are 5 billion people in the world that you would actually find them? And what if they weren't born the same time you were? What if they were born in a different century? Or if they weren't even born yet at all? And you're looking and looking - and there's absolutely no way you'd be able to find them. Because they don't exist anymore or they haven't existed yet.
And that's when you get this epiphany - that soul mates are possible - but there are the only few lucky few that actually get them in time. And meet in the same life time.
And I need to come to terms with the fact that love's not all that great. And that my heart is dying because of it. And it makes me feel worthless. Creepy. And hateful of myself.
Because you're the creepy girl that doesn't get it. You're the creepy fuck up that keeps calling and can't get the hint. And you know you should work out - release those endorphins but cigarettes and alcohol are so much easier. And you know you should be stronger. Because you are. And you are powerful and empowering. And wonderful.
But, you forget all the time because loving someone that doesn't love you makes you hate yourself and second guess your worth.
And that's the worst of it - you spend all that time loving someone - and you have nothing to show for it. Just a sadness. And frowns. And lots of words that don't make sense.
And nursing school is fun and fine. And great. And I'm very happy. But, I can't write anymore. And I can't think anymore. And right now I just want to be alone. Because things are just too tough to deal with right now. And I just want to retreat inside of myself.
And I don't want to be the creepy girl that doesn't get it. Because you're the fuckup and the outcast and the person that no one likes. It's desperate and sad and fucking pathetic.
And you know who you are. And know what your worth. And anything worth it is worth fighting for. But, you can't get to that point anymore.
Don't fight against the impossible. Don't kill yourself in the process. How long are you going to be typing this thing? Stop.
I can't because I miss him so much. And I just want to make this go away. And I just want to feel worthwhile. And not fucking lame because someone doesn't love me. And unrequited love is really shit. Shoot me in the fucking head right now.
I'm lame. And hateful. And can't get the fucking hint. I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone. And I just want to make this all go away. Because i"m not worth it anymore.
You're smoking half left over cigarette and you're thinking what has my life come to? And you have to remeber that God has a plan for you. And that leaving the first one led you to a wonderful second one. And that must mean it can only get better. Because you always save the best for last.
I'm okay. I feel better.