Sometimes things are hard just because they are. And you need a cigarette but you fortunately haven't smoked in years, but started to relapse when things get hard. And things are just hard and easy at the same time.

And yo ufeel really shit for things fbeing this way. And you wish youcould just get out of it. And feel stronger. And not worry about making mistakes. Buecase theya re so apparent. And make you feel like shit because mitakes are screaming in yoru face the amount of perfection that yo uwish you could achieve, but neve3r will.

And I have no idea what I am typing and I just want to get alogn with it alreadyy. Wkake up for this nightmare. Thatn's not even that waybad. And I know tit's not that bad. It's just hard again. It's hard befause yo uhave no idea how to handle your emotions when you start to have them. WHen you actually let your self start to feel ... you get fucked. THat's what you have realized isn't it? That when yo ustar t to care that's when your fucked. That's when you should stop. That's when you should realize you need to practice to be strong.

You know how in movies they say stupidghave stpuid plot lines about how people can't find the 'right' person because they won't let others in? It's because it's true. Don't let anyone in. Once you let them in ... you run the risk of getting hurt. And the chances of you keeping the benefits forever are literally slim to none impossible. And the surviving factor - is a essential - and you have it. But, when you utilize it you realize that you shouldn't let anyone in. And although you know that you shouldn't do that either. - you know... shut anyone out. You have to. Because then you'll feel like this again. What are the chances that I am going to get hurt again next time? What are the odds? That's how I will assess whether or not I should let myself feel anything. Because people can hurt you. A lot. Don't ever let anyone. That's what I have realized. Honestly. And I'm not even crying about it. Or being gay by being overwhelming. I'm being quite frank.

I can't let anyone ever make me feel this way again. Scott. Tom. That's it. No one else. I'll never let anyone hurt me again. No one loves me the way that I want them to because I'm weird and fucked up. And care too much about love. And I'm the creepy girl that you're like ...woah, she's creepy and fucking weirdly obsessed. I don't give a shit about love anymore. Love and marriage is an institution for normalcy and establishment. A norm. And I'll adhere to it because I like tradition, but not because I believe in the beauty of it. I believe in its use and it's function, and that it serves a purpose. And that will be the reason why I get married. And I will find someone that loves me more than I love them. That way they will never leave me - and I can have this mentality about relationships and never be questioned. And no, I won't commit infidelity. Just because I don't believe in the advantages of love does not mean that I'll compromise my morals. Infidelity is bad. And I recognize that. I just want to be with someone that won't hurt me. And I'll stay with them because that will fit in my plan for the life that I wanted. I don't trust anyone with my heart except my family. Because it's a different kind of love and a lot safer. And they will be ones I will let in. And everything will be okay. I just want to be okay. I want to be normal again. Not have to bsad. How long do break up mournig periods last? I need to get over this arleady. I thought I knoew. But, I don't remember maybe because I forget how to love Scott, I also forgot how to handle a break up. I can never feel this way again. I swear to myself. I'll never let anyone. I hate feeling this way. Not because I don't recognize the value of love and it's importance. But because the chances that I will find the one are really slim. And I need to be realistic. I can be really happy with someone that I love and not in love with. Just like the way I'm happy being a nurse and not a doctor. I'll be fine. And good. And happy. And I just needed to type this because I needed to.

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