Sometimes I get really lonely. And I talk to myself. Out loud. Like I'm having a conversation with myself. And I may seem crazy from a third party perspective ...and maybe I am... but, to be honest it makes me feel sane. I get to let out steam. I get to be me behind closed doors. I can take myself through situations and make myself better by being my own therapist and my own best friend. Because who needs all of the above when you have yourself?

When I ramble on and on my bed with no one else in the room. And I think it's okay and it's healthy because that's what you do when you don't want other people to get too close. You have yourself. And your scared to let anyone see that you can be vulnerable because then they can see you. The real you. The one you don't pretend to be in public so you seem strong.

And I would never show this side of myself to anyone but myself because no one would understand. Because this is my secret. Because to be honest - it is quite liberating - to be honest. I wish I could have someone I could tell everything to. But, there is no such person. Because sometimes people judge you. And they can't help it because they don't understand. But, you do - you know better - so keep it to yourself. Be your own best friend. Everyone is just for entertainment. Don't let anyone know the real you because then they can get too close and you might show to much of yourself. And you might be addicted to the feeling of closeness - because I know you May - you love the feeling of having someone close. And you shouldn't because they will leave you. And you can't handle that pain. Not anymore. You've been through it before. So please be careful because people can hurt you really bad. And you are a good and nice person and shouldn't have to hurt this bad. Because you do love people. You love the way people are and you adore the goodness in people. And the goodness in people makes you believe in God. And so everyday I know that you look for the goodness in people. Let people see the goodness in you, but don't tell them the things that could reveal you. Things that could make you vulnerable. Be kind and loving. And let people talk about themselves. Because people love to talk about themselves. And then you will seem sensitive and kind. Because honestly all people want is someone to hear them out and to have a good shoulder to cry on just in case. And you're awesome at that. That's why people love you - because you are kind and strong at the same time. And it's okay that you let people walk over you because you are a people pleaser. And because mother teresa was right "that you have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts. that there is no more pain but only more love." and that's okay. And good. And because you want to be invaluable to people because I know that you love to be needed. But, you don't want to ever need. Because I know you may - when you need - you need a lot. And you can't do that. You can't need anyone but yourself. Because then you run the risk of getting hurt. And trampled on. And kicked to the crub. You love too strong. You know you do. And it's weird and creepy. And no one wants to be loved like that. You love like an obsession. Like an addiction. Like a drug. Don't do that. You become needy and whiny and unlike you. Just be fabulous and let people love you. And then you won't need anyone because the fact that you are completely needed by a multitude of people is enough to feel needed. And you'll never need anyone. It's good that you're going to be a nurse because you are always going to be needed. And people will always love you. And you will be great at what what you do. Because you are wonderful. And you won't need anyone. People will need you. And that is the most important thing to you. I know it is. You are great. Wonderful and fabulous. And get through anything that is difficult. And I haven't given up on love - next time... I just want to make sure that if I go all out again that... he loves me more. That he would do anything for me. That he needs me more. Because by nature I love hard. I love strong. And I love fierce. And the way that you'll portray will almost always be way more kind and loving and giving in comparison to the way that they love you. Never love someone that doesn't love you more. It is your new rule. And shhhh. You're not allowed to tell anyone. Because they won't understand. So, if you need to talk to yourself about it. Then do it. Behind closed doors.

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