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Things are rough and painful and hard. And sometimes you can't help but be a little emo - at the age of 22. The lack of hair in my face is decieving, but I actually feel like a 16 year old teenage-angster and all I really want is someone to save me.
Save me from whatever this shitty ass feeling is. I don't want it to be a grown up feeling. Or a true heart break. Because, grown up pains are different from growing pains.
Pain is pain, but it's not all the same.
And I have lost the will to write - all I want is to be free from this shitty as feeling. And I can't help but wonder if I'm the one that's holding myself back. I can't help but think - maybe I feel this shitty because I don't know how to let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I need to learn. And it's by far the hardest thing I think you have to learn in a lifetime. Is learning how to let go. Is learning how to let go. I mean it takes the ultimate will power. It's worse than holding on. It's letting go that hurts the most - because - it is paradoxical - it feel's like giving up - even though it's supposed to be winning.
So you're caught between trying to understand what's best, and actually doing it. And justifying the reasons for the things that you do.
And all of this bullshit - not making sense - reasons... are just more confusing. Because you're 22 years old and heart breaks happen all the time.
Whether it be by another person, by an institution, or a by a religion.
All I can think about is how do you become strong enough to let go? What kind of exercises do I have to incorporate in my daily gym routine to make this transition easier?
I'm confused about whether I am being strong or weak. And the worse part is I don't think that has an answer. I think it's purely subjective - and I'm lost in limbo again - amidst nothing else but me and my thoughts.